


One Last Meal

by imnotmadeofeyes



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awkward, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Not Canon Compliant, before Bucky is frozen, complicated relationship, cooking is a thing, last meal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7928998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotmadeofeyes/pseuds/imnotmadeofeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve just got his Bucky back, and now he has to give him up again. But things need to be said and actions need to be taken beforehand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Last Meal

**Author's Note:**

> This is late. Very late. I had this idea while I was still in the cinema, but I NEVER managed to write it. But this morning my muse found me, and this is what happens when it does. I am sorry if you imagined it differently - I thought of sex, tbh, but that wasn't.. I didn't feel like writing smut, so. I am sorry if there are like twenty similar fanfictions already. And I am sorry if I got anything wrong. This is my first ever Stucky fic, and they still feel a bit alien to me. So just tell me if anything bothers you :)
> 
> As always, I really appreciate any form of comment - whether you have something to critizise or just want to tell me how amazing it was. I will answer as many as possible, and I will read them all, so please leave some feedback!

Steve doesn’t know what to do. He’s here, staring across the room where Bucky is slouched awkwardly on a chair, and he doesn’t know what he’s to do. Bucky has been his best friend for – eighty years, taking the dates into account. He couldn’t believe that Bucky was still alive when he found him – and he couldn’t believe what they, what Hydra had done to him. He can’t believe it. For a while, he thought his Bucky had been lost – until that day they had him in that warehouse. Steve still hears Bucky’s words in his head, still hears the stories about way back when. Bucky is still here, just not … he’s not the same anymore.

He understands the others. He understands that they want him dead and gone – Bucky killed Tony’s parents, Fury and so many others. But Steve knows that that’s not Bucky; that’s the Winter Soldier. And they may share the same body, but they’re not the same person. Bucky is better than that. Bucky is warmth and soft hands, safety and support. Bucky is his best friend, his – he doesn’t know what this means what they did way back when. But it was good, and the memories still are, and …

Still, Steve doesn’t know what to do. Bucky will be frozen again in a couple hours, ripped from his life by cold once more, and Steve has so many things to say, so many things to do, but he just doesn’t know where to start. He still doesn’t think that this is the right way. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live with the knowledge that his best friend is literally put on ice until they find a way to break the Winter Soldier out of him. But it was Bucky’s decision, and who is he to tell him what to do? For a while, Bucky didn’t even want to see him. He didn’t want to be found, and he fought against any help Steve offered him. It was a long way they’d gone to get here – but now they are here, and Steve shouldn’t waste another minute.

“Stop thinking so loud”

Steve startles, and almost tumbles off his chair when Bucky speaks up. “Wha- I’m not thinking loud, what is -?” He still has no idea what to do, but now he’s at least looking at Bucky. He’s wearing sweatpants and some hoodie he’s borrowed from Steve that’s just a little too big. He shaved, and his hair is washed again. His hands are wrung together in his lap, and there’s a tight line in his shoulders that Steve wishes to massage out. At least out of that shoulder that still works like a shoulder.

Bucky huffs. “I heard your brain work over here, don’t lie to me.” He replies. His voice is soft, and there’s something utterly sad and lost in his face. Steve’s heart doesn’t stop aching, and it almost feels like when he’s looking at that old photo of them, arms slung around each other, smiling at themselves even though somebody wanted to take a picture of them smiling in the camera. Steve doesn’t know what to do with that, so he ignores it.

“I’m sorry” He says instead.

“Don’t be” Bucky says. Then it’s silent again. And Steve is conscious about every thought that rushes through his head. Their eyes meet, and Steve’s heart stumbles over its own beat. There are so many things he needs to say, and he doesn’t know where to start. He’s repeating himself.

“Would you like to eat something?” Steve asks, and now it’s Bucky’s turn to startle.

“Uh – I’m not – I – I think I wouldn’t mind.” He stutters. “Why?”

Steve shrugs, and rubs his hands over his thighs uncertainly. “I thought we – I could cook something. In my apartment. Here. It’s – it’s more comfortable there.” He hates this waiting room, because it’s public and not personal and everything Steve doesn’t want to remember seems to be written on the walls here, screaming into his face. Also, everything he wants is some alone time with his best friend, before he has to say goodbye once again.

“Okay”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, Steve. Okay” Bucky chuckles, and even though it doesn’t sound too humored, it warms Steve’s heart, and he has to smile, too. They get up, and Steve shows Bucky the way to his apartment. Basically, it’s the apartment of all of them, but all the birds seem to have flown out that day, or they got busy somewhere else in the Avengers complex. So the two of them get busy together, cooking up some pasta with a sauce quietly. It’s not much, but Bucky helps slicing tomatoes and peppers, and they can dance around each other in that well-known routine they still have from sharing a flat in young Brooklyn.

It’s a lifetime ago now, but their bodies still remember instinctively.

“You have a good life here” Bucky suddenly says – and Steve is surprised, for they have only talked about cooking for a while.

“What? Why do you think that?”

“Well, you have friends here. People that look after you. And you’re – you’re doing the right thing” Bucky clears his throat, as if he’s not used to talking that much. He probably isn’t. “You finally got what you wanted from being Captain America, huh?”

Steve is surprised. “I – I think so, yeah.” He lets the last years, ever since he woke up in the twenty-first century, replay in his head. Bucky is probably right. But he still feels out of place sometimes. And he still wishes some things had gone differently. “It’s not – perfect, though. Things are missing.”

“Huh?”

Steve thinks about Peggie. She’s missing, yeah. But then he looks up from stirring the sauce to meet Bucky’s eyes, and he knows what he’s missing the most here. “You, mostly.” Bucky’s face falls, and he’s not able to restore his relaxed posture before Steve notices. “I missed you, Buck. I really did” There, that’s a beginning. He just hopes that Bucky doesn’t freak out on him now.

Bucky is quiet for a while, and busies his hands with searching for plates and cutlery. “I did, too” He then admits. “I missed you, too, I mean. When I – when there were times when I could, I mean.” He sets the table with a calm and a shaky hand, and Steve watches from the corner of his eye while he drains the water from the noodles with a filter and then puts them in a bowl. “I’m sorry I didn’t remember you in the beginning.”

Steve stills for a second. What is he supposed to say to that? Of course that sucked. He had been there, seeing his best friend again in a world that was still far too strange for him, and everything he got from him was an attack on his life. But that hadn’t been Bucky’s fault, and he knew that and knows that. “It’s not your fault. It’s okay.” He puts the cutlery in the noodles and in the sauce and puts them on the table. “You didn’t have a choice.”

Bucky doesn’t look at Steve. “Yeah – maybe.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I just wish things went differently.” Steve hears the ‘I almost killed you’ without Bucky saying it, and he has to fight the urge to just reach out and touch Bucky to comfort him.

“They didn’t go too well, you’re right” Steve replies, spooning pasta onto Bucky’s plate. “But that’s the past now. It’s over. We can’t change it” What’s more important to Steve is the talk about the future. What’s to happen when Bucky wakes up again? Will they still be – what are they now, anyways? And will he leave again, then, or will he stay with Steve and the others?

“That’s true.” Bucky nods, and starts eating. “But I wanted to tell you before – before I’m put on ice again.” The words hurt both of them, but Steve knows that they can’t avoid that topic. They can’t pretend that everything is fine, when things are just going to shit now.

They eat quietly, mostly, because Steve doesn’t know what to say – or, he knows what he wants to say, but he neither knows whether he’s ready to say it nor whether Bucky’s ready to hear it. At least Bucky relaxes a bit now, and the food obviously does him good. Steve keeps watching him, and when he doesn’t, he can feel Bucky’s eyes on him. Sometimes, their eyes meet, and Bucky looks away first, his cheeks filling with color.

And then, when they’re washing up and putting the leftovers away, Steve can’t keep it to himself anymore. “I wish you wouldn’t have to do that” he blurts out, “I just got you back, and I don’t want to lose you again.”

For a second, everything is still. Bucky doesn’t move, and Steve doesn’t move. He is looking at Bucky with every ounce of bravery he can find, but he’s shaking slightly. This is hard, the hardest he ever had to do. But he can’t crumble under Bucky’s gaze, not now.

Then, suddenly, the world – they with it – starts moving again. Bucky just puts the plate he’s been drying away and crowds up into Steve’s space, his natural hand coming up to cup Steve’s cheek before he kisses him. It’s a firm kiss, and Steve can’t do anything but grab a hold of Bucky’s hoodie to keep himself steady and Bucky close to him. Bucky tries to pull away, but Steve holds him close, chases after him, and the kiss changes into something softer, something just as familiar.

Steve remembers the nights in their small cramped flat, with that one bed that was too small for one person, pressed up against each other, sharing air and sharing body warmth, moving in patterns only they could understand. Steve remembers the jealousy whenever Bucky went out with a girl the day after, as if to remind himself what society wanted him to be. He also remembers that after every date, Steve was the one he came home to.

Steve kisses him with that in mind, holding him close, reveling in the feeling of having Bucky here with him. “I’m sorry I left you” he mumbles between kisses, because he has seen those gazes from Bucky after Steve first got Captain America. He saw the bitter faces he got, well hidden behind smiles and cheer. They hurt him then, and they hurt him now.

“It’s okay” Bucky answers, his lips brushing Steve’s with every word. “I’m sorry I was jealous” His hand slides through Steve’s hair, grips it in the neck and pulls slightly, earning a gasp from him. Steve licks into Bucky’s mouth, slides their tongues together shamelessly, his hands clutching Bucky’s back, his sides, his hips. It’s been so long – too long. And he can’t get enough of it.

But eventually, after they’re both heaving, they break apart enough to catch some breath. Bucky rests his forehead in the crook of Steve’s neck, and Steve starts running his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “I like your new haircut” Steve says, “The rebellious type suits you” And they both laugh together for a bit.

“It’s almost time” Bucky states after a moment of silence, and lifts his head again to look at Steve. “I wish I could spare you this”

Steve lets out a small huff. “I’m sure I’ll manage.” He’s waited years for Bucky to come back to him, that time won’t make a difference now. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself ever since he got the news.

“Still” Bucky brushes their lips together slightly. “Will you still be there when they figure out how to cure me?” This is an important question. Steve has asked himself that, too. And he already knows the answer:

“If you want me to.”

“Of course”

“Then I will”

They kiss again, and this time it has the sweet taste of goodbye.

“When you get back” Steve says, “We’ll go on a proper date. And we’ll figure this out. Us. Okay?”

“Okay” Bucky smiles slightly, and then pulls Steve into another tight embrace. It’s warm and cozy and feels like home, even though one of Bucky’s arms is too hard and cold.

“I love you, Buck” There it is, The thing Steve didn’t know how to say. He wonders why it felt so hard and heavy, when it is the simplest and most obvious thing. Maybe it’s because of their past, the whole secrecy thing. Maybe it’s because of the time he spent knocked out in the hospital after their fight. Maybe it’s because of the way Bucky denied it after they talked about what happened at the river. But it doesn’t matter now, because he finally said it and that feels really good.

“I love you, too” Bucky replies, and presses a kiss to Steve’s neck before pulling away. “I gotta go, now”

“I know” Steve says. “I’ll visit you as often as I can. And I’ll make sure they find something as fast as possible.” It’s a promise he’s keen to keep. He wants his Bucky back for good.

“Kick some ass for me, Rogers” Bucky jokes, and they laugh again. He’s halfway to the door when he turns around and surges in for a last kiss. “Stay safe for me, please”

“I will” Steve doesn’t want to let him go, and his heart breaks when he watches him leave, but he can’t do anything. Bucky – the Winter Soldier – is still a threat, and as long as they haven’t found out how to stop him, they can’t let him leave.

“Bye, Steve”

It’s the last thing he hears before the door is pulled shut between him and Bucky. It takes a while before Steve can move again, and the first thing he does is wipe away the tears that come running down his cheeks.

Now, he has to wait.


End file.
